


And We'll Stay Here Forever

by orphan_account



Series: Clair De Lune [3]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst and Feels, Backstory, Child Abandonment, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 18:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9337169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The holiday season isn't sitting well with John. James finally finds out why.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this has been in my drafts for a while and I just now got around to post it. I was so on the fence with this one, but I gathered enough courage to write it out. Think of this as an overdue Christmas present or something

They fell into a surprisingly comfortable domestic bliss. James would waste the hours away at his job, John would bide his by doing some chores, counting the seconds before it was time to pick up Eddie (John thinks it’s a good idea to bring him home on his little scooter. James felt his soul die a little when he actually saw the two speeding around the corner since the road was covered with snow and ice).

Their routine was set, and neither of them saw anything wrong with it. They were happy as a trio, a hodgepodge of discipline, easygoing, and innocence all wrapped up in one tiny box.

Yet James seems to notice John growing more antsy. Whether he’s restless and secretly pleading for him to do something fun or there’s a more underlining issue about to bubble to the surface, James couldn’t tell. John’s a wild card, he’ll give him that.

 

-

 

“Who was that?”

John sat in his seat, his phone slipping into his jacket pocket for the 10th time tonight. Eddie was too busy digging into his pizza to notice the tension hanging over their table, the restaurant dim and half-full.

“Max; she wanted to know if I was free next Saturday. No big deal.”

John coolly shrugged it off, swiping a slice to nibble on- all the while avoiding direct eye contact with his boss. James said nothing but he was silently scrutinizing John; his shoulders hung more prominently now, the hunch in his back beginning to look uncomfortable. His face was etched with a mixture of worry, agitation, and… guilt?

“You seem more tense lately. Is something wrong?”

“Everything’s fine, James, Max decided to pull a fast one and roped me in for some last-minute Christmas shopping. Are you gonna give me the third degree or are we gonna enjoy this pizza?”

John’s clipped speech didn’t convince James that he was fine. Eddie glanced to them for a second, finally starting to catch onto their negative energy.

John gave a passive smile to the boy, reaching over to ruffle his hair to let him know that everything’s fine. While it may seem fine to John, James can tell he’s hiding something. And John’s usually a pro at hiding information.

 

-

 

“It’s like God hasn’t washed his hair in months! Freakin’ had to do gymnastics just to get to the post office, there’s six feet of snow out there!”

James didn’t bother to indulge in John’s theatrical metaphors. He watched Eddie decorate their ‘A Christmas Story’ tree (John utterly refused to get the regular plastic tree, which led to a mini argument in the middle of the supermarket until Eddie started crying), the news rehashing the freak snow storm on low.

“I’m afraid your package won’t get to its destination, most of the roads are closed.”

“I figured that.”

John’s mumble didn’t go unheard by James. John’s attitude still hasn’t improved. Whenever James brought up the elephant in the room John would double his defenses and fire back with some offhanded comment or silence. James still hears him talk to someone on the phone late at night. Sometimes James believes he hears tiny sniffles.

“Will Santa come, uncle James?”

Eddie’s wide eyes were filled with worry, something most kids usually do with the prospect of Santa Claus. James smiled softly, reassuring Eddie that he will come while John practically barricaded himself in the kitchen.

Of _course_ he would send his gift now, in the middle of a fucking snowstorm. The post office was close to bursting from the looks of it, and John’s not optimistic that his gift will make it in time. He even paid extra for it to be expedited, for once he wants to win this time.

“John!”

At the sound of James’ voice, John recoiled. His hands cramped, glued to the counter edge, his mind racing at breakneck speed by this point.

“Are you okay, I’ve been calling you five times.”

James closed in on him, intending to reach out to him. But John stepped back, giving a shaky smile instead.

“I’m fine, just thinking.”

John quickly side-stepped away from James and left, giving compliments to Eddie’s tree decorations. This game began to irritate James, the fire only quelled for a moment over the sight of John helping Eddie put the star on the top of their tree, his godson supported by John’s shoulders.

James decided to put off his curiosity for now. For Eddie’s sake.

 

-

 

Eddie took it like a champ, he handled meeting ‘Santa’ better than most of the kids in that accursed line. James and John shared a moment of pride, something to cut through their awkward phase of miscommunication.

Eddie chastised John for eating the cookies reserved for Santa, stomping his foot and glaring that cute glare most kids do. He then ordered James and John to be in bed or else Santa won’t come. It didn’t matter if they weren’t tired, Eddie’s not about to be ignored this Christmas.

With the house nice and quiet, James found it to be a good opportunity to catch up on his readings. It distracts him better than alcohol, especially since it’s the holidays and the people he cared most for aren’t here. James still has the picture of Thomas, Miranda, and baby Eddie on his nightstand; they’re there when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep.

James actually did fall asleep that night, book resting against his chest, his glasses crooked against the frame of his face. Maybe tonight will be uneventful.

 

-

 

It was roughly 4 in the morning when James heard a crash. He was up in an instant, his instincts kicking in. He grabbed a pocket knife from a discarded shoe box, the bleariness of his vision not stopping him.

He heard random noises, noises he couldn’t pinpoint on anything he recognized. He crept down the stairs to see a figure illuminated by the lights, the red glow casting shadows through the living room. All he saw was a head of wild curls and smelled the familiar stench of rum.

John sniffled impossibly loud, dead eyes going dry on the bright screen of his phone clutched in his hands.

“John?”

John didn’t seem to hear him, but he blinked, his eyes distant and his mind fogged.

“John, it’s almost 5 am, what’s wrong?”  

James’ bottle of rum was half-empty, a shattered shot glass resting on the floor. It’s a miracle Eddie hasn’t woken up yet.

John appeared to have stayed up all night, dried tear tracks lining his cheeks.

“John, say something. Are you okay?”

John’s eyes were a bit unfocused, but he stared at James for a minute before dropping his gaze to his phone. James, albeit reluctant, eased the phone out of John’s grasp and watched as it came back to life. The lock screen was set on a woman and a little boy, laid out on a bed. The boy couldn’t have been more than 3 years old.

“Is this your sister?”

John let out a rather dark chuckle, scrubbing his eyes.

“I wish… That’s my friend.”

John’s speech was slurred, but James could hear very well. While he didn’t react on the outside, he was sure enough caught off guard on the inside.

“Well, _ex_ -friend. Her name’s Nina.”

“And this boy… Is he-”

“My kid? Thankfully no, at least I don’t think he’s mine, me and Nina used to be friends with benefits but that’s over now.”

John finished his babbling shrug, letting his head fall back so that he could stare at the ceiling. James couldn’t see the resemblance in the two besides the hair (it looked more like it hasn’t been combed in a while), the boy looked more like Nina.

“I fucked it up. I always fuck up.”

John was rambling, his sober thoughts lost in the drunken translation. James sat beside him and waited, but he was also listening for any movement from upstairs. He doesn’t want Eddie to see John like this, he’s made that mistake once.

“What’s his name?”

At first John didn’t respond, staring into empty space for what felt like an eternity.

“... His name’s Gavin. He looks more like a Sam or Ethan to me, but Nina insisted on calling him that.”

John laughed shortly, his lips too loose for him to notice. Before all of this, the thought of John having a child (or looked after one) never crossed James’ mind. If he were to be honest, John doesn’t look the type.

“I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t deal with the responsibility. Here I am, 27 fucking years old and I was acting like a surrogate father to this kid. The man in question left before we could do a paternity test and I didn’t want to leave Nina with that burden… But I did.”

“Why did you leave?”

John rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear his vision so that he could look at James.

“Couldn’t stay away from the pubs. We started drifting apart over that, started arguing more. I couldn’t stand looking at Gavin because I was reminded about my dad and how he left me, and I hated myself for turning into him. I was still trying to hold onto that bachelor lifestyle, but I had a responsibility to uphold, and I chickened out. I fucking left.”

James carefully took the bottle away from John, unable to say anything to comfort him or help ease the situation.

“I drifted for a while. Max helped me score a few odd jobs until she told me about you. To be honest, I only wanted this for the money, not for the attachments.”

“And yet you stayed.”

“Fuck yeah I stayed, I have a soft heart under this exterior. I care too much and end up hurting myself with my fucked up history. Remember when I sent that package? Yeah, that was to Gavin. It was one of those Lego sets, a build-able boat. He fucking loves boats and sail ships and stuff, but that was all I could give him. I realized after I sent it how dumb it was because he’s 3, he doesn’t know how to build anything other than blocks.”

John let out a soft sigh, unconcerned about what James was currently thinking. He’s drunk, he’s angry, and he’s tired. Tired of everything.

“You’re not like your father.”

That was all James could say.

“You haven’t met my father.”

“But I can guess that you have more of a heart than he does. You still care for them, you care for me and Eddie. You have a heart, John.”

John glanced to James with empty eyes. James squeezed John’s shoulder, his touch more than welcome to the latter.

“Try to get some sleep. I’ll keep Eddie quiet.”

John watched James for a moment longer as he began to clean up the mess he made. He was for sure that he would get a stinging lecture or even a few insults for abandoning Gavin, but that never came.

He doesn’t know how he managed to climb those stairs and pass out on his bed, but he blacked out the moment his head hit the pillow.

 

-

 

It wasn’t until 2 in the afternoon that John woke up, the hangover threatening to come crashing down on him.

He could hear old Christmas music playing downstairs, soft murmurs and laughter. He cautiously made his way down, careful not to make any sudden movements for his throbbing head.

“John, look what Santa left me!”

Eddie was quickly shushed by James, a book in hand and reading glasses steadied on his nose. John flinched at the sudden noise, but smiled at the mess of wrapping paper on the floor, Eddie’s shiny new toys all tucked in the corner. He was playing with his brand new action figures, still dressed in his PJ’s and hair still wild.

“He left stuff for you too! And Uncle James!”      

James’ gifts consisted of new books and wool socks (a gag gift from John, knowing how much James hated wool socks). He was wearing them for Eddie, yet John could see the discomfort in his eyes.

John’s gifts were small. Some band t-shirts, new All-Stars, and a brush and comb from James. John said nothing but he tried not to laugh at the obvious.

The air between the two adults was a bit on edge, the talk John had with him still on the forefront of their minds. James decided not to bring it up today, wanting nothing but peace and quiet in the house. John silently thanked him for that.


End file.
